“Take a day to heal from the lies you’ve told yourself and the ones that have been told to you.”
― Maya Angelou
Lets talk about sex baby? Let's talk about you and me! Lets talk about it! We don't talk about healthy sex from a feminist perspective often enough. How many of us were taught to feel shame around our bodies and the pleasure they require?
For this episode of Sunday-Self Love we decided to have a ladies tea time talk about how we learned to have autonomy and control over our sexual experiences. We compared our concepts of virginity and how our parents impacted our understanding of pleasure and sex. Watch the full video for details but for those of you who want the basic tips for how to have better sex, here are my top 5.
“The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, the plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have often turned away from the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and information, confusing it with its opposite, the pornographic. But pornography is a direct denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true feeling. Pornography emphasizes sensation without feeling.
The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire.”
1. Explore your body with your partner: In the last 4 years of life I have started having the best sex ever. Why? Because I have learned the value of playful and inquisitive exploration with my partner. What does that look like? You should self define how you want to explore but in my experience that means actually getting in there and touching all the different spots you may like and seeing how it feels. This may look like turning it into a fun game with treats for finding pleasure spots. This usually feels best when there is laugher and fun involved.
2. Get comfortable with the truth: So many of us are taught to fake orgasms, let me be the one to tell you: Healthy sexuality requires honesty. Whether it is a long term partnership, a friend, lover or one night stand its important to be honest with your self first and your sexual partner regarding your needs. Healthy sex is part of your self-love journey. It gets better the more courageous you are with using your voice.
3. Work to heal past trauma: Many of us are survivors of sexual trauma which makes sex a trigger in and of its self. As a survivor, I have learned that the first two points are essential. I NEED my partners to take it slow with me and allow me to introduce sexual acts at my own pace in order to feel safe. I would also suggest doing work outside the bed room for healing such as seeing a therapist, spiritual healer, energy worker or implementing journaling about your sexuality into your self care. What ever works best for you, work on healing your trauma outside of the bed room to release some of that painful energy.
4. Let go of should: Let go of value judgments regarding what is wrong or right. Many of us are taught self-love looks like withholding sex. Or we are taught good sex is pleasing only to the other person. Often sex is taught from a very penis centred perspective. Great sex is one that leaves you satisfied, protected from HIV/STIs and feeling taken care of. It is a mutual exchange of energy between you and a partner.
5. Your body, mind, heart and soul are top priority: Many of us are taught it is selfish to prioritize our need when in reality it is self-ful. You need to be filled in order to give or share any aspect of your self with your partner. Healthy and pleasurable sex will not ask you to sacrifice any aspect of your being to enjoy.
Communication and transparency is the key to making shifts in your sex life. Hopefully these tips are helpful and support you on your self-love journey.